15: How To Deal With Rejection When You’re Dating
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How To Deal With Rejection When You’re Dating
Let's talk about rejection.
Rejection happens to all of us, no matter what stage of life we're in, no matter what stage of dating we're in, no matter how old we are, how young we are: we're going to get rejected at some point. Fact.
Just as we’re going to reject someone at some point.
Whilst rejection is a totally normal part of life, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. It’s painful, it makes us question ourselves and can reopen our not enoughness wounds.
In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I’m sharing how I deal with rejection when it comes to dating plus I’ll reveal the exact 7 day plan I followed after a recent rejection.
Here are the key topics covered:
1. Rejection Happens to Everyone: There’s no shame in being rejected (despite what this recent comment said on my Instagram….)
2. Responding to Rejection in Your 20s vs. 30s: We discuss how my response to rejection has evolved from my 20s to 30s.
3. The Impact of Toxic Behaviours: I get open and honest about the toxic behaviours I exhibited in my younger years in response to rejection.
4. Coping Strategies for Rejection: I’m sharing my updated coping strategies for rejection, including seeking support from a coach, focusing on self-love, and why I choose to jump straight back into dating.
5. The 90/90 Mindset Concept: I’m revealing my secret to being able to handle rejection without losing self confidence. When you understand these 3 things, rejection will stop having such a massive impact on you.
6. An Action Plan for Dealing with Rejection: I’m breaking down exactly what I did in the 7 days that followed a recent rejection and how each of these steps helped me to deal with rejection.
This episode is a valuable resource for anyone dealing with rejection in the dating world, offering insights and actionable steps to boost self confidence and maintain a positive mindset.
How to Deal with Rejection in Your 30s: Dating, Self-Worth, and Growth
I recently put a reel out on my Instagram about rejection, specifically how I respond to it differently now versus when I was younger. The comments were fascinating, and one in particular stood out. Someone wrote: “Imagine getting rejected while you’re 30.” And I just laughed. Honestly, imagine it? It’s not the end of the world. Getting rejected doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’ll never find love.
Rejection is simply a part of life. Every part of our lives sets us up for it: applying for jobs, putting ourselves out there in business, posting on social media. Rejection happens. And that’s ok.
How I Responded to Rejection in My 20s
When I was younger, rejection felt like a full body blow and shattered my self-worth. Whether it was being dumped, rejected by someone I fancied, or a casual hook-up not going anywhere, my coping mechanisms were… let’s say, not ideal.
The first thing I did was turn to alcohol. Alcohol numbed my feelings and gave me confidence. It helped me push myself out of my comfort zone: flirting, approaching men, going home with someone. Alcohol became a tool for external validation. If someone rejected me, I could go out, flirt, hook up, and feel desired again. It was my way of proving that I was still wanted.
Hooking up with other people was another form of validation. Whether it was one-night stands or jumping into situations for fun, it was all about proving I was still capable, still desirable, and still ok.
And then, I’ll admit, there was sometimes an element of manipulation. I would mastermind plans to get someone back or create FOMO, messaging someone “accidentally on purpose,” thinking I could make them regret rejecting me. Looking back, it was toxic behavior, and honestly, it probably didn’t work at all. But at the time, I felt like it was a way to regain control over the rejection.
So, in summary, my 20s approach to rejection was:
Alcohol to numb feelings and boost confidence
Seeking external validation through hookups
Manipulative tactics to get someone’s attention
It’s not something I’m ashamed of - what’s the point in feeling ashamed about choices I made at 22? Those experiences shaped me, but I certainly wouldn’t do things the same way now.
How I Respond to Rejection in My 30s
Now, things are very different. I’ve grown, I’ve built self-worth, and I can meet my own needs without seeking validation externally. Here’s what’s changed:
Self-Validation Comes First: I can now validate myself. I don’t need someone else to prove I’m worthy or desirable. This makes rejection feel far less devastating.
I’m Kinder to Myself: Rejection sensitivity can be intense, especially with ADHD, which I have. Tiny things can feel like huge rejections. But I consciously reprogram my thoughts, reminding myself that rejection doesn’t define me.
Scale Matters: I also assess the rejection on a scale. Not every rejection feels equally significant. Some are small, some are bigger, like the one that inspired this episode. I had started catching feelings for someone, imagining how we’d spend time together emotionally, sexually, and in day-to-day life. When that didn’t pan out, the rejection felt bigger because I’d invested emotionally.
No Need for Toxic Reactions: Gone are the days of drinking to cope, chasing validation from others, or trying manipulative tactics. Now, I process rejection with self-compassion, reflection, and sometimes, a little humor.
Why Rejection Isn’t the End of the World
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that rejection is part of living fully. Choosing not to put yourself out there is a far worse alternative than facing rejection. Every job application, business pitch, social media post, and date is an opportunity for potential rejection - and also for growth, connection, and learning.
Getting rejected doesn’t mean you’re not enough. It doesn’t mean your standards are too high, or that you’re not lovable. It simply means that the match wasn’t right.
Tips for Handling Rejection in Dating
Based on my experience, here’s how to respond to rejection in a healthy, confident way:
1. Give Yourself Permission to Feel
Acknowledge the disappointment or hurt, but don’t let it define you. Feeling rejected is natural. Be kind to yourself in the process.
2. Reprogram Your Thoughts
When rejection stings, consciously tell yourself: This doesn’t define me. I am worthy. I am enough. Awareness is key, especially if you’re sensitive to rejection.
3. Avoid Seeking External Validation
Resist the urge to numb feelings with alcohol, seek hookups for reassurance, or try manipulative tactics. They don’t help you grow and often backfire.
4. Reflect and Learn
Ask yourself what you can learn from the experience without turning it into self-criticism. Every rejection is an opportunity to understand yourself better.
5. Keep Putting Yourself Out There
The alternative to rejection is never showing up. Dating, like life, is about taking risks. Every “no” is one step closer to the “yes” that matters.
How My Perspective Changed From 20s to 30s
In my 20s: I sought external validation, numbed emotions with alcohol, and sometimes acted manipulatively
In my 30s: I validate myself, respond with compassion, and process rejection with reflection rather than reaction
This shift isn’t just about dating, it’s about overall confidence, self-worth, and emotional maturity.
How to Deal with Rejection and Bounce Back Confidently
Rejection sucks. There’s no sugar-coating it. Whether someone ghosted you, said they weren’t into it, or the relationship just fizzled out, it can hit you hard. But here’s the thing, how you deal with rejection can either keep you stuck or help you grow into a more confident, empowered version of yourself.
The 90/90 Mindset: A Game-Changer for Confidence
If you listened to this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I introduced The 90/90 Mindset Concept. It’s a simple but powerful framework that helps you maintain confidence even when things feel messy. Here’s the quick version:
Be 90% confident 90% of the time: Striving for 100% confidence is limiting because it’s impossible. Instead, aim for 90% - it’s realistic and still powerful.
90 seconds of confidence can change your life: Even if you don’t feel confident all the time, just 90 seconds of it is enough to make a decision or take action that could change your life.
Work on three layers of confidence:
Think confident: Challenge negative thoughts and rewrite your mindset
Act confident: Behave in ways that make you feel and look confident
Feel confident: Consciously bring confidence into your body and energy
When it comes to dealing with rejection, focusing on all three layers will help you bounce back faster and avoid spiralling into self-doubt.
Think Confident: Rewriting Your Thoughts
The first layer is all about your thoughts. Rejection often triggers crappy thoughts: “I’m not good enough,” “I’ll never find someone,” or “All men are trash.” These thoughts do nothing for you.
Here’s what you can do:
Identify your thoughts. Awareness is step one.
Reprogram them. Replace negative thoughts with empowering ones.
Make a cons list. Write down every negative thing about the person who rejected you. This isn’t to share with anyone, it’s for your mindset.
Think about red flags you overlooked or traits that weren’t a perfect match. Then talk yourself into rejection being a good thing: “They weren’t the one. Now I can raise my standards, meet new people, and try different dates.”
Reframing rejection like this helps you move from “Why me?” energy to “I’m amazing and I deserve better” energy.
Act Confident: Fake It Until You Feel It
Next up is acting confident, even if you don’t feel it. Confidence is a behavior before it becomes a feeling. Here’s how to do it:
Dress for confidence. Wear outfits that make you feel amazing, even if you’re just running errands.
Look after your appearance. Skincare, hair, nails, anything that boosts your self-esteem.
Stand tall and affirm yourself. Say “I love you” to yourself in the mirror.
Feel Confident: Bring Confidence Into Your Body
Finally, the feel confident layer is about shifting your energy. You want to replace hurt and disappointment with feelings of empowerment. Try these:
Move your body. Dance, workout, or take a kickboxing class.
Release negative energy. Scream into a pillow, cry, or journal.
Use mindfulness tools. EFT tapping, breathwork, or meditation help reset your energy.
The goal is to move from “I’m not enough” to “Anyone would be lucky to have me, I’m fucking amazing”.
This isn’t toxic positivity. You’re not burying feelings, you’re processing them and redirecting your energy into confidence.
Your 7-Day Action Plan for Dealing with Rejection
These are the exact steps I took in the 7 days after a recent rejection. Use this 7-day plan to overcome rejection and get back on your feet.
Day One: Feel However You Need to Feel
The first day following a rejection is all about allowing yourself to experience your emotions fully. It's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. Reach out to your besties for support, cry if you need to, and even overthink things if that's what helps you process your feelings.
Day Two: Self-Care and Making New Plans
Take a soothing bath, spend time with friends, or indulge in self-pampering. If you had plans with the person who rejected you, replace those plans with new ones. Keep yourself occupied and prevent moping. And yes, consider getting back on dating apps and matching with new people. Remind yourself that there are plenty of opportunities out there.
Day Three: Seek Professional Guidance
Consider booking a session with a counsellor, coach, or therapist. Professional support can help you process your feelings, deal with any past relationship triggers, and set you on the path to healing.
Day Four: Positive Conversations
Engage in positive conversations with people who genuinely seem nice. Avoid the stereotypical "bad boy" profiles on dating apps and look for individuals who are open, honest, and interesting. These conversations can help restore your confidence and remind you that there are good people out there.
Day Five: Get Back Out There
If you feel ready, get another date booked with someone new for a few days in the future. Re-enter the dating scene as soon as possible. Waiting around for things to feel better might only prolong the healing process. By booking new dates, you're taking proactive steps to move forward and reminding yourself that there are more opportunities waiting.
Day Six: Professional Healing
On day six, consider having a coaching session, therapy, or a healing modality like breathwork or EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to address the emotional triggers tied to the rejection. You can work on healing your past relationships and understand why the rejection hit you so hard. It's essential to release the emotional baggage to move forward with a clean slate.
Day Seven: Back to Dating
By day seven, you should feel more empowered and ready to go on another date. Rejection isn't a reflection of your worth; it's merely a sign that you and that person weren't the right match. Remember that someone better suited to you is out there, waiting to meet you. Don't let rejection deter you from living an incredible life and pursuing love. You deserve love, and it's waiting for you.
Why Rejection Isn’t a Reflection of Your Worth
Remember, rejection isn’t about you. It’s about the other person and their preferences, timing, or circumstances. Shifting your focus from “What’s wrong with me?” to “I deserve someone amazing” changes everything.
Rejection is a chance to raise your standards, meet new people, and explore new experiences. It’s a signal that better opportunities are ahead.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with rejection doesn’t have to destroy your confidence. By using The 90/90 Mindset Concept, working through the think, act, and feel layers of confidence, and following a structured 7-day plan, you can move through rejection faster, grow your self-worth, and get back to dating with confidence.
Remember: it’s not about forcing positivity or ignoring your emotions. It’s about feeling, processing, and then choosing confidence.
Rejection sucks, yes. But you? You’re unstoppable.
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You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.
About Your Host
Rebecca Hawkes (you can call her Becka) is the host of The Date with Confidence Podcast, your go-to show if you’re tired of dating drama and ready to raise your standards without losing your mind (or your sense of humour).
After being blindsided by a breakup at 29, Becka turned her “WTF is happening with my life” moment into a journey of self-growth, self-worth, and a mission to help other 30-somethings stop settling. Now, she shares how to date with confidence, trust your intuition, and attract the kind of love that actually feels good.
Becka isn’t here for generic dating advice, she’s here to bring you the real, raw, and funny truths about modern dating. Expect practical tools, mindset shifts, and the occasional rant that’ll leave you feeling like you’ve just had wine with your best mate.
Want more? Sign up for her BTS with Becka newsletter here.
