12: Am I Actually Delusional?! The Rollercoaster Of Modern Dating
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Am I Actually Delusional?! The Rollercoaster Of Modern Dating
Am I actually delusional? Did I make this shit up? Am I just living on a whole different planet?!
These are just some of the questions I was left asking myself after a recent dating experience that ended as quickly as it started. It was the first time I’d caught the feels for someone since my breakup 4 years ago and it was an experience to say the least.
In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I take you through a whirlwind of emotions as I recount the recent dating experience that left me questioning everything. It's a journey filled with excitement, vulnerability, deep conversations, unexpected twists, old wounds split wide open, self reflection and yet more personal growth (are we not done with this shit yet?!).
Tune in now to hear:
1. Rollercoaster of Emotions: I delve into the whirlwind of emotions that come with modern dating, where initial excitement can quickly turn into confusion and disappointment.
2. The Connection: I recount my recent and intense connection with a guy I met on a dating app, highlighting the deep conversations and intellectual chemistry that attracted me to him.
3. Overcoming Personal Challenges: I discuss my struggle with opening up about personal matters, such as the grief of losing my dog, how this caused tension and why I’m glad we experienced that.
4. Healthy Communication: I emphasise the importance of open and respectful communication, sharing a pivotal moment where we resolved tension by addressing our feelings honestly.
5. Exploring New Territory: We progress from intellectual connection to physical attraction, marking a significant milestone in my four-year journey of being single.
6. Aligned Values: We explore our compatibility, discussing shared values, love languages, and potential future plans, hinting at the possibilities ahead.
7. Emotional Investment: Reflecting on how we discussed meeting parents, trips together, and the complexities of love, I contemplate the depth of our connection and where it might lead.
8. The Importance of Open Conversations: I reflect on the significance of discussing essential relationship topics openly and honestly, something I had neglected in the past.
9. Friends' Observations: My friends and family noticed striking similarities between my new date and an ex, which made me reevaluate my initial perception of him.
10. Rollercoaster Dating: I share the ups and downs of a four-date journey that seemed promising at first but took an unexpected turn.
11. Dealing with Insecurities: I open up about the insecurities and fears that resurfaced during moments of uncertainty in the budding relationship.
12. Empowerment and Self-Worth: I explore my newfound strength in handling rejection and the importance of self-worth in dating.
13. Closing Doors: I grapple with the decision of whether to send a final message to my date, acknowledging the importance of making choices from a place of empowerment rather than insecurity.
14. Personal Growth: I emphasise the growth and self-awareness achieved through this dating experience, ultimately leading to a stronger sense of self.
Am I Delusional? When Early Dating Feels Like a Mind Game
Am I delusional? Is it me? Am I the problem? Do I make things up in my head, get carried away, invent stories that don’t exist? Honestly, sometimes it feels like I’ve been living in a parallel universe when it comes to dating.
If you’ve ever asked yourself those questions after a promising connection suddenly fizzled out, you’re not alone. In fact, that’s exactly what I’ve been navigating this week, and I want to share the story with you.
Welcome to The Date With Confidence Podcast, where I give you the real, unfiltered truth about dating in your 30s. From being blindsided, to building confidence, to never settling for less than you deserve, this is where we figure it all out together.
When Someone Does a Complete 180 in Dating
I know I’m not the only one who’s experienced this: you meet someone, the connection feels strong, they’re opening up, you’re having great conversations… and then, out of nowhere, they flip.
It’s a complete 180. One minute, they’re into it. The next, it’s: “Nah, you’re not for me. See you later.”
And honestly? It’s fucking brutal. I’m laughing now, but it’s not funny when you’re in it. This week has been A LOT, and while I’m still processing, I want to walk you through the story, because if you’ve gone through this, or are terrified it’ll happen in the future, you need to know you’re not the only one.
Four Years Single… and Finally a Spark
So, quick backstory: I’ve been single for about four years. I’ve dipped my toe into dating here and there - some nice guys, some fun dates - but never that real spark.
Until recently.
I met this guy on Hinge, and from the very first message, something in my gut told me he was going to be significant. You know when your intuition kicks in and says: “Pay attention to this one”? That happened.
Part of me was skeptical. I mean, how can you know from a profile? But part of me was open. And honestly, now looking back, I think this whole thing was a test from the universe. Like:
“You’ve been healing, you’ve been working on yourself, you say you’re ready… let’s see how you handle this.”
The First Date: Table Tennis and Good Vibes
We started with great chat. Paragraphs back and forth, straight into deep conversations, which I love. Within a few days, we’d moved to WhatsApp (because honestly, Hinge notifications are useless). Then he suggested we meet up.
Our first date was on a Tuesday evening. We met at the train station - my go-to move because it avoids that awkward moment of standing alone in a venue scanning the crowd. Plus, walking together to the venue helps break the ice.
The plan? Table tennis. Now, I hadn’t played in years, and I was awful, but it was hilarious. We laughed the whole way through, then grabbed some food and chatted for hours.
No physical chemistry yet, but that didn’t worry me. For me, that usually builds over time. What mattered was that he listened. The conversation flowed. He felt engaged. And honestly? That was refreshing.
Date Two: Pool, Deep Conversations, and Old Memories
Our second date fell on a bank holiday Monday, perfect for a day date. He suggested playing pool, and I’ll be honest, it brought up memories of my ex, because that was “our thing.” For a moment, it felt heavy.
But once we sat down for food, something shifted. We had one of those conversations that goes deep: past relationships, breakups, even traumatic experiences. It wasn’t surface-level chit-chat. And I hadn’t communicated like that with anyone… maybe ever.
That level of openness was scary but also exciting. It was like: “Ok, there’s something here.”
The Third Date: My First Third Date Ever
Here’s the thing, I’d never made it to a third date before. Ever. In my twenties, things either ended after one or two dates, or I’d meet someone in real life, feel instant physical chemistry, and jump straight into a relationship.
So making it to date three? That was a big deal.
We went to an indie cinema to watch Oppenheimer. Empty room, sofa seats, cosy vibes. Perfect setting for a kiss… except it didn’t happen. We ended up talking through the whole film instead.
I was a little frustrated, but I also respected his caution. He knew I hadn’t dated seriously in years, and he didn’t want to rush. After the film, we got the tube to Liverpool Street and went for dinner, having more of those long, vulnerable conversations.
At one point, I shut down when he asked about pets (because I’m still grieving losing my dog). Instead of brushing it off, he noticed, asked if I was ok, and gave me space. Later, I explained, and he listened.
It was the first time I’d ever experienced healthy communication with a man. No belittling, no dismissing my feelings. Just space to be honest. And honestly? That felt huge.
The Fourth Date: Chemistry Finally Kicks In
By date four, things shifted. We went back to the cinema (yes, Oppenheimer again—this time, we actually watched some of it) and finally kissed. I’d been waiting for him to make the first move, and when he did, it was worth it.
From there, it all clicked. Holding hands along the South Bank, watching the lights, sharing emotional stories, flirting, connecting.
We even had the “I’m not dating anyone else” conversation. And while part of me panicked (“It’s only four dates!”), another part of me was relieved. Because the truth was, I wasn’t dating anyone else either. And didn’t want to.
It felt aligned: our values, our love languages, the way we communicated. For the first time in years, I felt physical attraction, emotional safety, and the possibility of something real.
When Dating Teaches You About Yourself
Here’s the thing: even though this story doesn’t end with “happily ever after” (spoiler: it doesn’t), I learned so much from these dates.
That I can feel chemistry again after four years
That I can set boundaries and have them respected
That healthy communication is possible with the right person
That I’ve grown enough to recognise what feels good, and what doesn’t.
Dating isn’t just about finding “the one.” It’s also about finding out more about yourself. And this whole experience was proof that the work I’ve done these last few years hasn’t been wasted.
Deep Conversations and Genuine Connection
By this point, we’d done it all, or at least, everything that mattered to me. We’d talked about meeting his parents, going on trips together, and even about me getting along with his family. We’d discussed sex and intimacy. He even sent me screenshots of our star signs, showing our compatibility. And I hadn’t even looked up our star signs!
I felt like he was emotionally invested in whatever this could be. Even though I asked standard questions - like do you want to have kids? or are you looking to get married? - he very much led the conversation about the bigger picture of relationships.
We explored how we each handle love, conflict, and emotional needs. I asked things like, “if you were upset, how would you want someone to react?” or “is it ok if I ask you for reassurance?” We talked about what makes us happy, what makes us unhappy, and how to support each other.
These were conversations I’d never had before, even in long-term relationships. They were the kinds of conversations everyone should have early on because they set the stage for a steady, healthy, emotionally available partnership.
And that’s why the message I received later hit me so hard.
Seeing Patterns Everywhere
Before I share what happened next, there’s something funny I noticed. I was showing a photo of him to my friends, and they said, “He looks like your ex.”
I was shocked. I’d been telling everyone, “He’s so different! He’s not even my type!” I genuinely felt like he was the person I had always deserved after all the heartbreaks. And yet, my friends insisted, “Nope, same eyes, he looks like your ex.”
It wasn’t just them. My mum and my nan agreed, but hadn’t said anything because they didn’t want to upset me. And I thought to myself, well, I’d probably have ignored them anyway because I like to make my own mistakes.
The Build-Up: Dates, Flirting, and Butterflies
By the fourth date, we had already planned another meet-up for Friday. I was away Tuesday to Thursday, so we agreed not to see each other Monday. Everything was set. The chemistry was electric, flirting, flirting, and more flirting. Make-outs at the station? Absolutely. The sexual tension was ridiculous.
I wasn’t sure if it was because I hadn’t had sex in a while or because the physical attraction was undeniable, but I think it was a bit of both.
Even with the excitement, I was mindful of my past experiences. There had been periods where we hadn’t spoken for 24 hours, which in past relationships would trigger my anxiety. Thoughts like, is he cheating? Does he realise he doesn’t want me? would surface. But this time, I coached myself. I reminded myself, he’s not your ex, and you’re with your friends—you don’t need a response right now.
The ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’ Message
Wednesday evening, while I was still at my friend’s place, I received a message. It was well thought out, clearly written, and definitely better than being ghosted. But the content? Devastating.
Essentially, it said:
I don’t know if I’m available for this
I don’t want to hurt you in the future
I really like you
I think you’re greatI can’t bring you into the whirlwind of my life
I felt sick. I couldn’t bring myself to open it at first. But I had to. And then, sitting with my friends, I read it again. I had a little cry.
Why? Because this felt so familiar. It mirrored past experiences where I’d let myself get excited, allowed hope to build, only for someone to pull away before things became official.
When Emotional Investment Meets Uncertainty
Here’s the thing: I hadn’t allowed myself to get carried away at first. I was careful, calm, and kept my expectations grounded. But once he opened up, talked about a potential future, and said things like, I don’t want to date anyone else, I relaxed. I felt chosen. I felt safe.
I liked him as a person before the physical chemistry even came into play, best of both worlds, right? But then, in just three days, everything flipped.
He decided, based on his own narrative, that continuing would lead me to fall too hard, that he couldn’t commit, and that I’d end up feeling abandoned. It was as if he had written the story for me before I even had a chance to participate.
The Spiral of Self-Doubt
When that message hit, I spiralled. Am I delusional? I wondered. Did I imagine the last few weeks?
It had all happened in an intense three-week period. And yes, I’m used to intense, quick experiences - especially when traveling - but this felt different. We had shared emotional intimacy, future talks, and genuine connection. And yet, in the space of three days, it was gone.
It triggered past wounds from my ex. I remembered times when someone would say, I still love you, but I can’t be with you. The fear, confusion, and anger came flooding back.
Lessons on Emotional Availability and Healthy Relationships
Here’s the reality I want to share: sometimes, even when someone is emotionally available and seems perfect on paper, things don’t work out. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
Conversations about love and needs matter. Having clear, honest discussions early can set the stage for healthy relationships.
Chemistry isn’t everything. Emotional connection is just as important as physical attraction.
Your expectations are valid. You have a right to feel hopeful when someone chooses you and invests in you.
Closure is key. Even when things end abruptly, understanding the reasoning can help you process and move on.
Moving Forward Without Losing Yourself
When dating after heartbreak, the key is to coach yourself through the uncertainty without losing your sense of self. Here’s what worked for me:
Remind yourself of your boundaries. You don’t need to overthink every message or interaction.
Stay connected to your support system. Friends, family, and even journaling can help you process emotions.
Don’t romanticise or demonise. Someone pulling away doesn’t define your worth. It’s a reflection of their readiness or capacity, not yours.
Focus on your emotional resilience. Coaching yourself through the nervous system response prevents old patterns from taking over.
The Complexity of Dating and Emotional Investment
Dating is messy. Emotional investment is risky. But the more we reflect, coach ourselves, and understand our own needs, the better we navigate it. My recent experience taught me that even when someone seems perfect, circumstances and personal narratives can shift everything.
The good news? Each experience teaches you how to protect your heart, identify healthy patterns, and recognise the kind of love you truly deserve. Emotional availability, honest communication, and self-awareness are non-negotiables. Because at the end of the day, the standard isn’t lowering yourself to fit someone else’s timeline; it’s being confident enough to know the standard is you.
Remember, You’re Not Delusional
If you’ve ever been blindsided in dating, if someone’s done a 180 on you after building a connection, I want you to hear this: you are not delusional.
You didn’t imagine it. You didn’t make it all up. You felt what you felt because something was there. It just didn’t last, and that doesn’t make you wrong, or stupid, or “too much.”
It just means they weren’t your person.
And the good news? Each experience brings you closer to recognising the love you do deserve. The standard is you. Don’t forget that.
Listen to part 2 here: Closure & New Beginnings (Am I Delusional?! Part 2)
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You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.
About Your Host
Rebecca Hawkes (you can call her Becka) is the host of The Date with Confidence Podcast, your go-to show if you’re tired of dating drama and ready to raise your standards without losing your mind (or your sense of humour).
After being blindsided by a breakup at 29, Becka turned her “WTF is happening with my life” moment into a journey of self-growth, self-worth, and a mission to help other 30-somethings stop settling. Now, she shares how to date with confidence, trust your intuition, and attract the kind of love that actually feels good.
Becka isn’t here for generic dating advice, she’s here to bring you the real, raw, and funny truths about modern dating. Expect practical tools, mindset shifts, and the occasional rant that’ll leave you feeling like you’ve just had wine with your best mate.
Want more? Sign up for her BTS with Becka newsletter here.
