19: This Simple Concept Will Help You Date With Confidence
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This Simple Concept Will Help You Date With Confidence
Whether it's a first date, second, third, fourth date that fills you with anxiety…
Or whether the idea of connecting with people on apps makes you feel sick…
Or whether it's putting yourself out there for the first time if you've been single for a long time…
Or you just want to enter a room feeling full of confidence instead of fear…
The concept I’m sharing with you in this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast is going to help you feel confident in every aspect of dating (and other areas of your life!).
Tune in now to hear:
1. Introduction to The 90/90 Mindset Concept: Discover the concept I created that encompasses the lessons, tools and techniques that have helped me to create unwavering self confidence over the past 12+ years.
2. Understanding The 90/90 Mindset: Understand the first core principle of the concept that’ll have you waving buh-bye to unrealistic mindset goals and saying hello to an empowering mindset that’ll support you in your dating life.
3. You Only Need 90 Seconds: Learn how just 90 seconds of confidence can help you transform the trajectory of your life and open you up to an abundance of possibilities.
4. Three Layers of Confidence: We take a deep dive into the three layers of confidence you need to focus your attention on to feel confident on every date, help you set solid boundaries and raise your relationship standards.
5. Think Confident: Uncover the mindset that can negatively impact your dating experience and understand how to change your thought patterns to help you enjoy dating.
6. Act Confident: Confidence comes from taking action and to help you take confident action, learn the instant confidence boosters that’ll shift your energy in seconds.
7. Feel Confident: Understand how to consciously create the feeling of confidence so you can conjure it up into your body whenever you need it.
Remember, dating confidently isn't about perfection; it's about progress. Dive into these practices, transform your mindset, and watch how confidence becomes your natural state.
Episodes Mentioned:
The 90/90 Mindset Concept: How To Date With Confidence
Welcome back to The Date with Confidence Podcast! Today, I’m dedicating an entire episode to something I call The 90/90 Mindset because this is the concept that will help you date with unshakable self-belief.
Whether you’re on your first date, messaging someone on a dating app, or putting yourself out there after a long break, The 90/90 Mindset Concept is your guide to feeling confident AF. When I started dating again after two and a half years of being single (post-breakup, post-pandemic) I was soooo nervous. I remember thinking, Do I even know how to talk to men anymore? I’d been so confident when I was younger, but after a big break and a heartbreak, it felt like I was starting from scratch.
But The 90/90 Mindset Concept helped me rebuild my confidence from the ground up. And it’s the same framework that can help you do the same.
If you’ve been feeling a little disconnected from your confident self lately, keep reading. Because this is going to change how you think about confidence (and dating) forever.
What Is the 90/90 Mindset?
The 90/90 Mindset Concept is a concept I created to help you feel confident in yourself every single day. It’s built on over 12 years of my own journey to self-confidence, and it’s the foundation of everything I teach inside The Confidence Course.
At its core, there are three main principles of The 90/90 Mindset Concept:
You only need to be 90% confident, 90% of the time
You only need 90 seconds of confidence to change your life
There are three layers of confidence you need to master: think, act, and feel confident
Let’s break these down one by one.
Principle 1: You only need to be 90% confident, 90% of the time
It’s totally unrealistic to feel confident 100% of the time. Life happens. People ghost you, dates fail, and sometimes your brain just wants to spiral. When you try to force yourself to be confident all the time, you set yourself up to fail. Because that’s not how being human works.
Instead, aim for 90% confidence, 90% of the time. That 10% gives you space to wobble, to be triggered, to doubt yourself, without spiraling into self-criticism.
Let’s look at this in practice. I was chatting to a guy recently — messaging non-stop for a couple of weeks — and every now and then, his messages would stop delivering on WhatsApp. Instantly, old insecurities started bubbling up. My brain went back to a version of me that didn’t trust men because of past experiences. I felt my confidence dip.
But instead of beating myself up for “not being healed enough,” I used The 90/90 Mindset Concept. I accepted the wobble, reminded myself that I’m human, and consciously chose a different thought. I decided that maybe he was just busy or had bad reception, and that my worth wasn’t defined by his response time.
That’s the beauty of The 90/90 Mindset Concept. It’s about progress, not perfection.
So next time you start overthinking — “What if he ghosts me?” “Why hasn’t he replied?” — take a breath. You’re allowed your 10%. Just don’t live there.
Principle 2: You only need 90 seconds of confidence to change your life
You don’t need to be confident all day, every day. You just need 90 seconds of courage to take action.
90 seconds to sign up for a dating app
90 seconds to send that flirty reply
90 seconds to say yes to the date
That’s it.
Because confidence isn’t about never feeling scared, it’s about acting despite the fear. Those tiny, 90-second moments of courage can completely change your love life.
You can be anxious about your outfit, worried about small talk, or nervous about being rejected, that’s all fine. Just be confident for long enough to take the next step. Say yes, send the message, or walk into the restaurant. That’s what creates momentum.
And if you need a little help? Go back to these podcast episodes:
They’ll help you find that 90-second spark of bravery whenever you need it.
Principle 3: There are 3 layers of confidence you need to master
To become 90% confident, 90% of the time, you need to master these three layers of confidence:
1. Think Confident
What you think, you believe and what you believe becomes your reality.
So when it comes to dating, if you believe that...
all men are trash
the dating apps don't work
guys are just looking for sex
they only want to play games
...then chances are, you'll live that experience. These things will become a self fulfilling prophecy because that's the energy you'll take into online dating.
Let’s take two examples: Sarah and Lisa.
Sarah has the above mindset. She finds dating frustrating, a disappointment, a chore that she needs to do because she wants to meet someone. Every time she's scrolling or someone swipes right on her, she starts judging his profile, trying to find flaws and attaching any negative experiences she's had in the past to this unsuspecting guy she's never met.
Before they even begin chatting, she has her guard up and expects things to go sour or not work out like the fantasy she has in her head. When she begins to engage in conversation, she's already in the energy of: this guy's going to fuck me around.
She communicates as if he's already been like the others. She might be clingy, anxious, impatient if he doesn't reply. Or she might be blunt, sarcastic, judgemental or critical.
Neither of these scenarios are empowering for her. She's not confident in herself. Self assured. Unapologetically herself. Because she's acting from a wounded place based on the stories she's telling herself (men are trash etc).
How can you truly connect with someone when you're in that headspace?
The answer: You can't.
You can't build a genuine, authentic connection with someone when you're coming from that place, and this is where the self fulfilling prophecy comes into play. They'll start to vibe off the energy you put out there. If you're closed off, anxious, blunt or standoffish, they'll feel it and then won't make the effort to connect with you.
Instead, Lisa is open to possibilities, detached from the outcome and willing to see each new match as a fresh start. She sees dating as something she wants to do. She leaves the bullshit men in the past and chooses not to make assumptions about the new man until she's got to know him.
She, like all of us, has had shitty experiences in the past. She's been ghosted, dumped by text, had someone call things off after telling her he didn't want to date anyone else, been on crappy dates and had her fair share of dickheads in her DMs.
But instead of carrying that into the future, she embraces a whole new mindset.
She says things to herself like:
Dating is so much fun!
I love to use dating apps
It's so interesting to meet new people
Every first date I go on is going to be awesome
Each new dating experience is taking me closer to 'the one'
I'm solid in who I am and know that if they can't see that, they're not my person
I can handle anything that comes my way
With this open, enthusiastic, excitable energy, Lisa enjoys matching with new people and going on new dates. She doesn't pin her hopes on someone and equally, she doesn't expect them to disappoint her either. This open to possibilities, detached from the outcome mindset means she is enjoying her dates. She's having fun. She's not self conscious or worried about it needing to be a 'perfect' date.
And whilst she's still had a few negative experiences with people (haven't we all), instead of dwelling on them, she accepts it and adds it to her bank of dating disaster stories that she can tell her friends over a wine.
I know it can be hard to control your thoughts but if you're feeling more like the Sarah in these scenarios, I want to encourage you to try and shift your mindset. At the end of the day, the only person it'll affect is you. The guy on the other end won't give a shit. Make dating an enjoyable experience for yourself.
2. Act Confident
This layer is all about the practical actions you can take to help you take action before you're ready and to help you feel more confident when you throw yourself into the world of dating.
Most people wait until they feel confident enough to do the scary thing. They might say to themselves:
“When I love myself more, I’ll think about dating again”
“When I feel more confident, I’ll put myself on the dating apps”
“When I feel better about myself, I'll say yes to a date”
But the confidence comes from taking action.
You can do mindset work for hours and hours every day, but nothing will make you feel confident in yourself like pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, taking a risk or saying yes to a date before you feel ready.
When you agree to put yourself out there and you sign up for your dating apps, go on a first date, go on a second date, you’ll create a new layer of confidence that can only come from you taking action.
Here are a few quick ways to act confident even when you don’t feel it:
Adjust your posture: Roll your shoulders back, lift your chin, and take up space. Instant confidence boost.
Use a confidence anchor: This might be a bold lipstick, your favourite perfume, or a piece of jewellery that makes you feel powerful.
Mirror work: Look into your eyes in the mirror, smile, and say, “I love you. I’m proud of you. You are worthy of love.” It’s awkward at first, but it’s transformational.
When you start showing up like your most confident self, the feelings eventually catch up.
3. Feel Confident
This layer is all about conjuring up feelings of confidence in your body, daily.
Confidence isn’t just a mindset, it’s an energy. You can literally feel it when it’s flowing through you.
Try this: spend five minutes each morning visualising confidence flooding through your body. Imagine it starting at your toes and moving up to the top of your head. By the time you get out of bed, you’ll already feel like your most magnetic self.
You can also use tools like EFT tapping, breathwork, or meditation to shift your energy. I’ve even included a 5-minute guided meditation inside The Confidence Kit to help you do this before a first date.
When you practice this regularly, confidence becomes your natural default. Not all the time, but 90% of the time.
Confidence Is a Practice, Not Perfection
The 90/90 Mindset is your reminder that confidence isn’t about having it all together — it’s about giving yourself grace. You’re human. You’re allowed bad days, dating disasters, and insecure moments.
But when you consistently practice thinking, acting, and feeling confident, your baseline confidence skyrockets. You’ll attract better dates, set higher standards, and stop settling for less than you deserve.
And most importantly, you’ll start to love yourself as you are now, not just when everything’s perfect.
If you want to dive deeper, check out:
The Confidence Course: my full program to build unshakable self-confidence
The Confidence Kit: a free resource including 9 x 90-second confidence boosters and journaling exercises
Because you deserve to date, and live, with confidence.
Send me your dating dilemma
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Send me your dating dilemma 〰️
You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.
About Your Host
Rebecca Hawkes (you can call her Becka) is the host of The Date with Confidence Podcast, your go-to show if you’re tired of dating drama and ready to raise your standards without losing your mind (or your sense of humour).
After being blindsided by a breakup at 29, Becka turned her “WTF is happening with my life” moment into a journey of self-growth, self-worth, and a mission to help other 30-somethings stop settling. Now, she shares how to date with confidence, trust your intuition, and attract the kind of love that actually feels good.
Becka isn’t here for generic dating advice, she’s here to bring you the real, raw, and funny truths about modern dating. Expect practical tools, mindset shifts, and the occasional rant that’ll leave you feeling like you’ve just had wine with your best mate.
Want more? Sign up for her BTS with Becka newsletter here.
