How to Self Care When You’re Going Through a Breakup
A relationship ending can be one of the most difficult experiences to go through. It can be especially hard to practise self-care when you’re in the process of healing from a breakup. However, it’s important to remember that taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do to get yourself through the difficult time.
In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I’m sharing how to self care when you’re going through a breakup, including the three layers you need to work on and my go to self care activities when I’m struggling.
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How to Self Care When You’re Going Through a Breakup
The only way to fully process and heal from a breakup is to go through the pain. The quicker you can allow yourself to feel the feelings, to be sad, to feel the emotions, the quicker you'll be able to come out of the other side of it.
My first big breakup was when I was 21. We were together for about 3 months, and it was a super intense whirlwind. I was head over heels in love with him and I genuinely thought he was the one. But when it ended overnight, I couldn't cope.
Instead of facing the feelings, I ran away. I distracted myself, made myself busy and hooked up with other guys in the hopes it’d help me process it. Spoiler alert: It didn’t.
Because I couldn’t face the truth or allow myself to feel the feelings, it took me a good three or four years to fully heal from the breakup. And even then, I took a lot of the fear and the way that I was made to feel in that breakup into my next relationships, which negatively impacted them in a massive way.
Whereas when I went through my last breakup - we'd been together for five years, I'd known him for seven, I'd been in love with him for about six and a half - although it happened in similar circumstances (i.e. overnight), instead of running away, I sat with the feelings, with the emotion, with the sadness.
I spent weeks on the sofa when I needed to, I cried, I screamed into a pillow, I did lots of different exercises like writing letters to him (and then destroying them). I allowed myself to feel those emotions and process those emotions and in allowing myself to feel those emotions, I was able to heal from the breakup in a much quicker time.
It took me around two years to reach a state where I felt like I was 95% healed. There's still little bits of work to be done and I know that going into a new relationship there'll be new layers to heal because other things will come up, as they always do, from the past.
So allow yourself to be sad, give yourself permission to be miserable. Let it out. Cry. Watch things that you love. (Sex and the City is always my go to).
Basic self care VS glamorous self care
When it comes to self care, you have two categories: basic self care and glamorous self care. And we’re going to break each category into three layers.
This comes from a concept I created called The 90/90 Mindset Concept which is something I teach in depth in The Confidence Course.
The 90/90 Mindset Concept is made up of three core principles:
You only need to be 90 percent confident 90 percent of the time to get what you deserve in life
You only need 90 seconds of confidence to make a decision or take an action that will change your life
There are three layers of confidence you need to work on to become 90% confident 90% of the time
These three layers are also appropriate for the self care stuff. These are the three layers you need to work on continually to feel good about yourself, to feel confident, to feel positive, to feel happy, to feel rested, to feel balanced. The three layers are:
Think: Caring for yourself mentally
Act: Caring for yourself physically
Feel: Caring for yourself energetically
[Basic] Think: Caring for yourself mentally
In terms of the basic self care stuff, for the think layer you want to be doing things like having awareness of the thoughts that are going on in your mind. What are you telling yourself about yourself because of this breakup?
Are you telling yourself, I'm not good enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not clever enough, I'm not fun enough? What are you telling yourself that you're not enough of? Are you saying that you are the problem in terms of this breakup?
Have you made this breakup mean that you are less than in some way?
What you want to do is create awareness around that. So in any moment when you notice these thoughts are coming into your mind, acknowledge them. Don't shame yourself for them. Acknowledge them and say, ‘Oh, that's not a very kind thought’ and choose a kinder thought.
What can you say to yourself in these moments that is kinder, that's going to support you, that's going to look after you, that's going to stop you feeling bad about yourself? What can you say?
It might be something like, “I am enough. I love myself no matter what. I know that I can get through this. I trust myself to handle anything”. Anytime you start to say something negative, switch that thinking as often as you can. This is a continual process. This isn't a sit down for 10 minutes, think about your thoughts, change your thoughts and you’re done process.
And this isn't about toxic positivity. This isn't about trying to be positive and feel good and tell yourself you're amazing when you feel like shit. This is about acknowledging that you’re saying negative things, allowing yourself to process these negative emotions, allowing yourself to feel them, and also then choosing something that feels kinder to you, that's going to support you in the healing process.
[Basic] Act: Caring for yourself physically
When it comes to the act layer for the basic self care, you want to do things that typically feel harder when we're going through something difficult. So make sure you're brushing your teeth, you're washing your face, you're having a shower. Try to move your body in some way. Whether you can do a yoga class, or Pilates, or do a dance class - do something to physically move your body.
And these are the really simple things that we can often forget when we're really struggling mentally. If all you do is get up and brush your teeth and put on a clean pair of pyjamas that day, that's okay. You've done something. This is your basic self care to make sure that you’re still nourishing yourself and you’re supporting yourself through this breakup.
[Basic] Feel: Caring for yourself energetically
The feel layer is all about how you want to feel in your body. You may want to be mindful of the food you're consuming. Comfort food is often our go to when we're struggling and yes you want the tubs of Haagen Dazs. Yes you want the chocolate, the crisps, the carbs. And absolutely indulge yourself if you're having a day where everything is too much.
But on the days where you feel a little bit better, opt for the healthier options so that you can nourish yourself internally. When you do that, you'll also feel better mentally.
And if you can, things like meditation can really help you to just quieten your mind and just give you a few minutes of peace. Even if it's just five minutes a day, you're getting that break from the sadness, from the despair, from the upset, the hurt, the anger. And you're just having that five minutes of inner peace and that will dramatically change how you feel about yourself.
They're really the basic, simple things that aren't going to take a lot of energy from you or a lot of effort. So now let’s look at the more glamorous things.
[Glamorous] Think: Actively work on your mindset
Repeat Affirmations
You could try things like repeating affirmations. Instead of just changing your thoughts, you want to consciously repeat positive phrases to yourself like, “I am lovable, I am enough, I am deserving of a healthy relationship, I love myself unconditionally, I trust that I can get through anything that life throws at me”. Repeat those regularly.
Practice Journaling
Consider using journaling to help you process the breakup. Use journal prompts, write a stream of consciousness or write an empowerment list such as, 50 reasons I love myself or 30 things I love about my body. You're dialling up the positive, empowering thoughts in your mind.
I've got a free resource called The Confidence Kit that contains different journal prompts and whilst it isn’t specific to breakups, it can help you to rebuild any self confidence you’ve lost as a result of the breakup.
Mindset Monologues
Typically when we're in a negative headspace we spiral into what ifs. For example: What if I never find another partner? What if they were the one? What if they've met someone else and they've moved on really quickly? Those negative spirals can fill our body with feelings of anxiety, they can stress us out and they can make us feel panicky.
But a mindset monologue is the opposite. Mindset monologues are a confidence boosting technique I teach in The Confidence Course. It's essentially where you spiral upwards. Instead of focusing on the negative, you spiral into positive thoughts such as: What if this is the decision that catapults me into the next stage of my life? What if I meet someone who's a thousand times better than my ex? What if the one is the next person that I meet? What if this breakup leads me to a relationship where I'm loved beyond what I could ever have imagined?
[Glamorous] Act: Give yourself a makeover
If you're feeling a little bit better, this is where you want to do things like get your hair done at the hairdressers, have your nails done, have a massage, go shopping, treat yourself to things that make you feel good.
If you don't have the money to, go to somewhere like Boots and ask for a sample of foundation. Apply for free samples online - there's no shame in that! Do something, buy yourself a little travel size bubble bath or shower gel, something that's going to make you feel really good, that's going to help make you feel pampered.
Wear your red lipstick, do your makeup in a way that makes you feel amazing, put on an outfit that you love, have a long soak in a bubble bath with a magazine, light some candles. These are all practical actions you can do to make yourself feel good again and ways that you can take care of yourself.
It's about lifting your mood, caring for yourself, making sure that you go and see friends. Hang out with friends, arrange a brunch or go to a workout class. Take yourself on a date, go out to the cinema, take yourself for food, do things that make you feel really good.
[Glamorous] Feel: Shift the stagnant energy of the breakup
In terms of the glamorous stuff, you want to get into more energetic practices. Massages can also fall into this category. You might want to go for a Reiki session or a tarot card reading. Speak to a therapist or counsellor.
Breathwork was a life changer for me. When I went through my last big breakup, I started doing breathwork sessions and I went every single week for a year (apart from twice). It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t fun. It was emotional.
I sobbed my heart out every session for a good four months. Not just a few tears. I sobbed hysterically for months. But for me, it really helped me to process things. It helped me to get out all the emotion. It was an hour a week for me to just be in that energy, be in that sadness. Spending time clearing the stagnant energy made space for healing to take place.
Practices like EFT, where you tap on certain points of your body as you repeat what's called a script, can also help you to release things subconsciously and shift your energy.
Reconnect with yourself and who you are outside of the relationship
It’s really all about reconnecting with yourself. Spend some time reconnecting with you, with who you are, with your values, with what you want to achieve from your life.
Recreate your vision. Come back to yourself and who you are without that person. That's really important and the self care practices are really what helps us to do that. When you focus on self care, you're able to reconnect with yourself deeper.
To help you reconnect with yourself, you might want to create yourself a routine or a ritual that you can do every day. It could simply be a five minute morning routine. It could be an hour long morning routine. It could be a ten minute nightly ritual.
My evening ritual is really, really simple, but I do it every single night and it always makes me feel really good about myself, and that's what we want.
Seek support from others
Something else that's really important to mention is talking to friends and family. That can be self care as well. When I'm going through something really hard, I shut down, I hibernate, I step back from everyone, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to be me on my own. But sometimes that's not completely healthy.
It's great to have time on your own, but you also need to connect with other people so they can support you. The people you love, your friends, your family, your colleagues, the people who love you. They want to be there for you and to support you during the time of a break up. So don't be afraid to go to them and admit that you’re struggling.
It can feel hard at first but the more you get used to asking for help, the easier it’ll become. Speak to your friends and family, make time for them. You might also want to find some new activities and hobbies. Maybe go to a dance class or kickboxing class. Meet people who go for regular walks. You could go paddle boarding - there are so many different activities or hobbies you could do.
You could go to art classes, find something that you've always wanted to do and commit to doing that for yourself. Now that you're by yourself, what you want to do is find something that lights you up, that gets you out of the house, that reminds you that there is a life outside of your partner and this breakup.
You get to create a whole new life for yourself right now. How exciting is that? See this as an exciting opportunity of you being able to do anything you want to do.
Give yourself time to grieve
And remember: give yourself permission to grieve for as long as possible.
The grieving process varies from person to person. Give yourself time to grieve. It might be a few weeks. It might be a few months. It might be a few years and that's absolutely ok. There are five stages of grief that we experience. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And this is something I talk about in The Breakup Bounce Back course.
We talk about how to work through each stage of the five stages of grief when it comes to a breakup. It contains practical exercises that you can do to help you move through each stage of grief. There are four core modules: Get Over Your Ex, Release the Past, Rebuild Your Self Confidence and Rewrite Your Future. You can learn more about the course here.
Going through a breakup isn't easy. Nobody said it would be. Some might feel easier than others. Some might be harder than others. But no matter the type of breakup you’re going through, remember to prioritise your self care because the more you care for yourself, the better you're going to feel and the better you feel, the easier it's going to be for you to heal from that heartbreak and for you to come out the other side of that breakup much quicker.
