How to Break Up with Someone in the Kindest Way
Ending a relationship is never easy. When you come to the realisation that your relationship just isn’t working for you anymore, it can be hard to know how to approach it with your partner. Whether you’ve been together for a few months, a few years or a few decades, the last thing you want to do is hurt them. But how do you break up with someone in a kind way?
In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I’m sharing how to break up with someone in the kindest way so you can keep any hurt or upset to a minimum. At the end of the day, if something no longer feels right, you need to walk away. Living a miserable life for fear of hurting their feelings is not the way to go.
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How to Break Up with Someone in the Kindest Way
Regardless of why you want to end your relationship, there’s a good way to do it and a bad way. Having been on the end of some shitty break ups, I can tell you that the kindest way is to be honest, respectful and explain things without leaping into blaming or shaming your partner.
There are also other things to consider that can help ease the pressure or discomfort of what will likely be an uncomfortable situation for the both of you.
Choose the right time and place
There’s never a right time to announce you want to break up with your partner but there are times where your partner will be able to absorb the information more easily. Instead of sending a text message, giving them a call or telling them over facetime, arrange to meet them face to face in a comfortable place.
Doing it in a packed restaurant or a place where there’s lots of people could cause them to feel embarrassed. If you don’t want to do it at home, perhaps go for a walk in the park so you can walk and talk.
You also need to be mindful of them needing time to process. Telling them whilst they’re at work, the day before a huge presentation or as they’re about to attend a family event doesn’t give them time to allow your news to sink in.
If the shoe was on the other foot, when and where would you feel most comfortable receiving this news?
Reflect on the good and explain honestly, but briefly
If you’ve been in a relationship with this person, you’ve cared for them or even loved them for a while. You’ve experienced positive moments together and have happy memories which it’s ok to bring up if you want to. When you explain that you no longer want to be in the relationship, try to explain honestly so your partner isn’t left wondering why.
When my ex broke up with me after 5 years, he didn’t give me a reason. He told me he still loved me but didn’t think we should be together. Without an explanation from him, I was left creating my own reasons for why he called it off, all of which ended at the same place: I wasn’t good enough.
You don’t need to go into all the ins and outs or start listing off all the things they did wrong but try to explain your reasoning and why you want to move on. This will help your partner move on and can help to prevent them spiralling into a state of self blame.
And hey, maybe it is their fault but you can explain that diplomatically: I no longer feel a connection with you and I feel it’s time for us to end the relationship whilst we’re still in a good place.
Understand it may be hard for them to hear and respect their reaction
We can’t control how other people will react to what we share with them but we can control our reactions to their reactions. Some people may respond to the news with immediate acceptance and understanding. Others, especially if it’s seemingly come out of the blue, may react emotionally, angrily or in disbelief.
Instead of jumping on the defensive, arguing with them or immediately reeling off all the things they’ve done wrong, take a deep breath and allow them to react. Now it goes without saying that if they react in a violent, aggressive or emotionally manipulative way, leave the situation or call for help.
Remember: This person is someone you’ve cared for so you’ll likely still want to hold space for them and have empathy for what they’re going through. Put yourself in their position and think about how you’d like them to react if you’d had a human, reactive response.
In saying that, their response shouldn’t make you change your mind. If you’ve made the decision to end the relationship, you made it for a reason. Know that however hard it may be to see them struggling to come to terms with the break up, you still deserve to honour your decision.
Make sure you both get the closure you need
The hardest breakups to get over are the ones where you didn’t get the closure you needed. I’m speaking from experience here. Closure may look different from couple to couple but you may want time together to talk through your relationship, to hand back the things they left at your place and to wish them luck with their life. If you’re comfortable enough, discuss what closure looks like to you both and work towards that together.
Respect the fact your partner may need contact with you after the relationship so they can process their feelings but don’t be afraid to put a limit on this. Ongoing communication can prevent the both of you from moving on.
Put boundaries in place to protect yourself
Once you’ve had the closure you both need, make sure you put boundaries in place to avoid dragging the break up out or prevent you both from processing, healing and moving on from the relationship. This may be things like cutting contact from them either forever or temporarily, removing yourself from their Netflix account or agreeing not to date people they know.
Be mindful that once you’ve put that boundary in place, they don’t overstep it. If the other party is struggling to come to terms with the break up, they may overstep your boundaries in an attempt to rekindle the romance. When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they’re not your person.
Don’t beat yourself up - you’re not a bad person!
When you’ve ended the relationship, remind yourself that you’re not a bad person. Seeing someone you loved or cared for upset can be really upsetting to you but that doesn’t mean you should feel guilty. If you no longer wanted to be with them, it’s kinder to let them go so they can find someone who loves them in the way they deserve to be loved.
The temporary pain of the breakup is better for all involved in the long run. If you took the time to break up with them in the kindest way possible, you have nothing to feel guilty about. And if you made mistakes in the past, don’t stress yourself out about it. We’re all human.
Whether you’re on the receiving end of being dumped or you’ve just ended a relationship, one thing’s for sure, self care is essential. Listen to the next episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast to discover exactly how to self care when you’re going through a breakup.
And make sure you check the show notes for helpful resources on bouncing back from breakups, healing from heartbreak and rebuilding your self confidence.
You’ll also find links to the other episodes in this season so if you need help overcoming a breakup, getting over the guilt of ending a relationship or you want to feel confident after a breakup, you can head straight there now.
