73: Important Things I Tell Myself After A Disastrous First Date
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Important Things I Tell Myself After A Disastrous First Date
If you’ve ever left a first date feeling deflated, disappointed, or questioning if you’ll ever meet someone, this is for you.
I dive into the exact things I tell myself after a disastrous first date: the reminders, re-frames, and confidence resets that stop me from spiraling into “I’m unlovable” territory. Dating is full of highs and lows, and one bad date doesn’t define your worth.
In this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast, I share how I shift my mindset, process the frustration, and move forward with confidence (or take a break when I need to). Plus, I give some practical steps to help you reset and get back into a healthy dating headspace.
Whether your last date left you feeling flat, frustrated, or ready to delete the apps altogether, this episode will help you bounce back stronger.
Tune in now to hear:
1. How I feel after a bad first date
2. What actually counts as a “bad” first date
3. Don't take a bad first date personally (you're not unlovable)
4. How to stop a bad date from making you spiral
5. Can this bad date teach me anything?
6. A bad date is just a bad date
7. Practical confidence resets after a disappointing date
8. Why it’s okay to take a break from dating
9. Happy Hour: I know I said I wouldn't try this but…
10. My dating update: Am I finally back on the apps?!
11. Your dating dilemma: “I went on a bad first date and now he’s asked me for a second - I feel guilty saying no, what should I do?”
Episodes Mentioned:
Important Things I Tell Myself Before A First Date
The ‘Near-Perfect’ Date That Became An Hilarious Nightmare
He Asked Me To Send Photos And Lied About His Age
This Is The Energy You Need To Take With You On A First Date
What to Tell Yourself After a Bad First Date
If you’ve been on a bad first date and it’s left you feeling disappointed, frustrated, or even rejected, this post is for you. Dating can feel like a rollercoaster. You spend time getting ready, putting in your time, energy and effort, and sometimes you walk away feeling completely deflated. I get it, I’ve been there, and I want to walk you through the things I tell myself after a disastrous first date so that you don’t spiral into self-doubt or feel like giving up on love altogether.
What Counts as a Bad First Date?
Bad first dates mean different things to different people. For some, it might be someone showing up in an outfit they don’t like (ahem, shorts). For others, it could be no spark, awkward silences, or someone being rude af to the waiter. Personally, I class a first date as bad if I walk away feeling deflated or questioning whether I’ll ever meet someone. That’s the sign it’s taken a hit on my confidence.
But here’s the truth: one bad date (or even a few in a row) doesn’t mean anything about your worth. It doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, and it definitely doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever. A bad date is just a bad date. Nothing more, nothing less.
The Things I Tell Myself After a Disastrous Date
When I’ve left a date feeling like it was a total waste of makeup, here are the reminders I come back to:
1. This doesn’t mean I’m unlovable: It simply means we weren’t a match. That’s it. It’s so easy, especially if you’ve been blindsided in a past relationship, to spiral into thinking you’re the problem. You’re not.
2. A bad date doesn’t predict future dates: Just because you’ve had 1, 2, or even 5 bad dates doesn’t mean every date will be the same. The odds work both ways. Yes, going on more dates means a higher chance of more bad ones, but that also means a higher chance of more good ones.
3. Every bad date is leading to a good one: Think of it like rejection - every "no" is one step closer to your "yes." Each bad date is one step closer to that amazing connection you’ve been looking for.
4. There’s a lesson in every date: Even if it feels like a disaster, I like to reflect: was my guard up? Did I expect it to go badly because of my past experiences? Or was it simply just a bad date, nothing more? Sometimes the lesson is about them, sometimes it’s about me, and sometimes it’s just about keeping perspective.
5. It’s just a story: At the end of the day, most bad dates make funny stories for your friends. They don’t define you or mean anything about you. Take it as a funny story to retell over a glass (or bottle, no judgment) of wine.
Practical Things To Do After a Bad First Date
It’s not just about what you tell yourself, it’s also about what you do to reset:
Talk it out: Share the story with a friend, journal, or voice note yourself so you’re not bottling it up.
Check in with your standards: Remind yourself of what you want in a partner and why this date didn’t align. That reframes it from being a loss to being a filter.
Do something nice for yourself: Self-care isn’t just bubble baths, it’s about resetting your confidence so you don’t carry that bad date energy into the next one.
Take a break if you need it: Nobody says you have to keep pushing through. Dating can be draining, and it’s ok to pause the apps until you feel good again.
Remember: confident daters don’t avoid bad dates, they just don’t let them define their worth.
Happy Hour: Coffee Chat + Dating Update
Okay, time for happy hour. If you’ve been listening for a while, you’ll know this is the fun part where I share my own dating life and a little lifestyle catch-up.
So, first things first, this week’s drink of choice. Last week I told you I probably wasn’t going to try the new Kenco Iced Hot Coffee flavour (the creamy latte one) because I’m not really a milk person. But my nan accidentally bought it instead of my usual vanilla, so I gave it a go. And honestly? Obsessed. It’s richer, stronger, and tastes way more like actual coffee compared to the sweeter vanilla and salted caramel ones. I’ve been drinking it hot and iced, and now it’s basically my new go-to.
Dating-wise: I’m officially back on the apps. Yep, profile unpaused, photos updated (fresh haircut, fresh energy), and I’ve thrown myself back out there. To be honest, I’d been overthinking my profile for ages. I’d open it, hate my pictures, close it again, repeat. But I realised a big part of what was holding me back was the anniversary of my last big breakup coming up. It’s been on my mind, showing up in dreams, and it’s been pissing me the fuck off.
But instead of letting that hold me back, I decided to put myself back out there. September always feels like a fresh dating season for me. I’ve had some of my busiest dating periods in September/October in the past so I’m leaning into that energy. I might even redownload Thursday (the spontaneous dating app) because I love the idea of waking up and just deciding to go on a date that night. No overthinking, no spiraling.
We’ll see what happens, but the important thing is I’m back in the game.
Your Dating Dilemma: Saying No After a Bad First Date
This week’s dilemma: “I went on a first date that was really bad. Awkward, no spark. But now he’s texting me asking for a second date, and I feel guilty saying no. What do I do?”
Here’s my take: you don’t need to feel guilty. Dating is literally about figuring out whether there’s a spark. And sometimes there isn’t. That’s not your fault, and it doesn’t make you a bad person for saying no.
If it were me, I would’ve already texted to say, “Thanks for the date, I didn’t feel a spark, wish you all the best.” Done, clear, kind, and everyone knows where they stand. You don’t owe anyone a second date out of guilt, and in fact, saying yes when you’re not into it is unfair to both of you.
Think about it this way: would you want someone to keep dating you if they weren’t actually interested? No, of course not. So give them the same courtesy. Be polite, be clear, but don’t force yourself into something you don’t want just to spare someone’s feelings. That’s not confidence, that’s people-pleasing.
Your guilt isn’t a reason to say yes. Your clarity and honesty are enough.
Final Thoughts
Bad first dates are part of the process. They don’t mean you’re unlovable, they don’t mean your standards are too high, and they certainly don’t mean you’ll be single forever. See them as stories, lessons, and stepping stones. Reset yourself, take breaks when you need to, and most importantly, don’t let one bad date dictate how you feel about the next.
Confident dating isn’t about avoiding rejection or disaster dates. It’s about knowing your worth, resetting quickly, and moving forward with optimism.
So next time you walk away from a bad first date, remind yourself: it’s just one step closer to the right one.
Send me your dating dilemma
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You can contribute your stories to the Date with Confidence Podcast here. Share your best or worst dating stories, your biggest icks, dating tips you think everyone should know or ask me anything about my dating life or a burning question you need an answer for.
About Your Host
Rebecca Hawkes (you can call her Becka) is the host of The Date with Confidence Podcast, your go-to show if you’re tired of dating drama and ready to raise your standards without losing your mind (or your sense of humour).
After being blindsided by a breakup at 29, Becka turned her “WTF is happening with my life” moment into a journey of self-growth, self-worth, and a mission to help other 30-somethings stop settling. Now, she shares how to date with confidence, trust your intuition, and attract the kind of love that actually feels good.
Becka isn’t here for generic dating advice, she’s here to bring you the real, raw, and funny truths about modern dating. Expect practical tools, mindset shifts, and the occasional rant that’ll leave you feeling like you’ve just had wine with your best mate.
Want more? Sign up for her BTS with Becka newsletter here.
