If I Wanted to Date Again After a Toxic Relationship, This Is What I’d Do
Healing is an ongoing process; it's not a quick fix or a magical transformation that happens overnight. It's more like a journey, a series of steps towards rediscovering your best self and finding the love you truly deserve.
This blog post is a summary of the below podcast episode and highlights the key steps I took to heal after multiple toxic relationships so that I could start dating again, with confidence. For the best experience, I highly encourage you to listen to the full podcast episode.
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If I Wanted to Start Dating Again After a Toxic Relationship, This Is What I’d Do
Focus on Your Own Healing: A Crucial First Step
In the aftermath of a toxic relationship, the path to healing can seem like a daunting journey. Often, we rush ourselves to mend or we put a timeline on our emotional recovery but healing is a process that takes as long as it needs to. It's a profound transformation, and it begins with prioritising your own well-being.
There were times, especially in my younger years, when I didn't allow myself the space to process the aftermath of a breakup or a toxic relationship fully. Instead, I carried the emotional baggage into my future relationships which had a massive impact on them.
Healing isn't a one-time event; it's an ongoing journey. There's no magic formula that will suddenly make everything better. It's not a matter of saying, "I've got three months to heal, and then I'll be fixed." That's a misconception. Healing is a continuous process.
One crucial aspect to understand is that healing isn't confined to the period immediately following a breakup. It's an evolving process that can extend into your future relationships. When you start dating again, you may discover new layers of yourself that require attention and care. Triggers from your past may resurface and you'll need to navigate them.
There may be unresolved issues that you'll only confront when you're in a new relationship. So, while focusing on your healing is essential, it's equally crucial to recognise that healing doesn't mean you’re ‘fixed’. You're not broken, you don’t need fixing and there isn’t some magical mountain top you reach.
Instead, think of it as a journey of growth and self-discovery. Life consists of ups and downs, and our experiences shape us. The more we evolve, the more we learn about ourselves, and the more we aspire to grow further.
When embarking on the path to healing, remember to be kind and compassionate to yourself. Old wounds may resurface, and certain triggers might challenge your progress. It's all part of the process, and acknowledging these moments with gentleness is a vital part of your healing journey.
Before you decide to dive back into the dating world, invest time in nurturing your own healing. It's not about reaching a finish line; it's about embracing the ongoing evolution of your self-awareness and well-being. Recognise the importance of this journey, and be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate its twists and turns.
Find an Example of a Healthy Relationship: Shaping a New Perspective
In the midst of unhealthy relationships, I found myself trapped in a cycle of emotional turmoil. At the time, I didn't even realise how toxic these relationships were because I had no benchmark for what a healthy relationship should look like. My primary concern was holding onto the person I loved and the fear of abandonment compelled me to compromise my own needs and opinions.
It wasn't until the final stages of my last toxic relationship that a conversation with one of my best friends opened my eyes. He pointed out that what I was experiencing wasn't healthy at all. I shouldn't have been living in constant fear, afraid to voice my thoughts or concerns. Ironically, the relationship ended despite my efforts to cling to it, making me question the point of my self-sacrifice.
In the aftermath of that relationship, I realised I needed a new perspective. I needed to understand what a healthy relationship truly looked like. For the past few years, I've been actively seeking out examples of healthy relationships in the lives of others.
I don't just look at these relationships as a whole, but I focus on specific aspects that resonate with me as genuinely healthy and functional. For example, I draw inspiration from my brother and his wife, viewing their partnership as a prime example of equality, teamwork, and genuine partnership.
By anchoring myself to these positive examples, I shift my focus away from dwelling on the past toxic relationships and doubting what I deserve. Instead, I choose to see that healthy relationships are possible, and if they exist for others, they're undoubtedly within reach for me too.
This change in perspective has been transformative. Instead of dreading the dating scene as a source of potential heartache, I now view it as an exciting journey towards finding the right relationship. I've said goodbye to feelings of fear and insecurity, understanding that my future holds the promise of a healthy and fulfilling partnership.
Double Down on Self-Care When Dating: The Key to Confidence
When it comes to practical dating - swiping through apps, engaging in conversations, and going on dates - I've learned the immense value of amping up my self-care routine. It's not just about wanting to look and feel my best, although that's undoubtedly a part of it. It's about how self-care serves as a powerful tool to boost my confidence and alleviate anxiety.
When I prioritise self-care, I'm not only enhancing my physical appearance but also nurturing my inner self. Activities like meditation, pampering sessions with bubble baths, journalling, and repeating affirmations all play a crucial role. These practices don't just make me feel fantastic; they act as anxiety-reducing tools too.
Instead of allowing anxiety to creep in when I think about dating or question what a new person might be like, my heightened self-care regime helps keep those anxious feelings at bay. I become more composed, relaxed, and deeply connected to myself. In this state, I can confidently embrace the belief that I’m amazing, a genuine catch, and that there's someone out there who will treat me with the respect and love I deserve.
This positive energy stems directly from my commitment to self-care. It also hinges on my acceptance and love for myself in my current single status. Rather than viewing being single in my 30s as a negative, I've come to realise that it's an incredible phase of life. It's a time to embrace independence, personal growth, and self-discovery. This newfound perspective not only enriches my dating experience but also ensures that I enter into potential relationships with a profound sense of self-worth.
Take Things Slowly: Your Dating Journey, Your Pace
When I reentered the world of dating, I consciously chose to take it slow. I resisted the urge to rush into a whirlwind of dates or engage in countless conversations simultaneously. Instead, I opted for a slower pace. I joined one dating app (Hinge, fyi) and went at a pace that felt comfortable to me.
I engaged in thoughtful conversations, allowing them to develop organically. When I sensed that things were becoming a tad overwhelming or uncomfortable, I took a step back. I paused my dating profile and gave myself a breather. And that’s ok to do.
Confidence comes from taking action and whilst it’s important to leave your comfort zone regularly, it's also okay to spend time in your comfort zone and, if necessary, take a break from dating. Self-preservation and self-care should always be your priority. Get rid of any pressure from others, including the idea that you need to date as many people as possible in a race to find "The One."
There’s no rush. You’re on your own unique timeline and everything unfolds as it should. Sometimes, taking a break from dating can be a valuable opportunity to nurture yourself, undergo further healing, and engage in self-reflection. When you return to the dating scene, you do so with renewed energy and a deeper connection to yourself, fostering the potential for even more profound connections with others, unburdened by the fatigue of constant dating.
Remind Yourself You Are Worthy: Embrace the Love You Deserve
In my journey back into the world of dating, I've made it a practice to continually affirm my worthiness. It's a mantra that we should all embrace, especially if we've been navigating the dating world for an extended period of time without finding that deep connection. We all deserve love; we are all inherently worthy of an incredible relationship.
It's essential to recognise that not all relationships are identical. What I seek in my life might differ from your desires, but the fundamental truth remains: we are worthy of what we desire. In the midst of the practicalities of dating or amid societal pressures, it's easy to lose sight of our inherent worth. Sometimes, past experiences can cast shadows on our self-worth, causing us to question if we truly deserve love.
In these moments, it's crucial to remind ourselves that we do indeed deserve love, and not just any love, but the kind of love that aligns with our true selves. We merit respect, care, and a relationship that reflects our deepest desires. When we hold onto this belief, our confidence naturally grows, enabling us to put ourselves out there with a renewed sense of purpose and conviction. Reminding ourselves of our worthiness empowers us to pursue the love we truly deserve and to embrace it wholeheartedly.
Seek Professional Support: Breaking Free from the Past
Professional support, whether through therapy, counselling, or coaching, has been vital in my journey towards healing and growth. For years, I've embraced coaching, and I'm part of a healing membership that includes various therapeutic techniques like EFT and breathwork, along with group sessions. While I haven't pursued traditional counselling post-breakup, these sessions have played a pivotal role in releasing the negative energy and baggage from past relationships, enabling me to let go and move forward.
Seeking external support is especially crucial if you've emerged from a toxic relationship. Such relationships can leave us with patterns to unlearn and false narratives to rewrite - stories we were told by someone else but were never true. Professional help not only aids in this process but also provides guidance on how to navigate new fears that inevitably arise when reentering the dating scene.
There’s no shame in seeking outside support.
Use Fear to Your Advantage: A Powerful Motivational Tool
Fear can be paralysing for us and can prevent us from getting what we really desire. For me, I’ve discovered the power in using fear to my advantage.
There was a time when I lived in the suffocating grip of fear, plagued by anxiety and regular panic attacks. I existed rather than lived, trapped in a never ending state of flight or fight. It took a wakeup call in the form of nearly losing my job to jolt me into action. I realised that I wasn't truly experiencing life; I was merely going through the motions.
To overcome this paralysing fear, I harnessed a different kind of fear - the fear of reaching old age and looking back with regret, realising I’d done nothing with my life. This fear became a catalyst for transformation. It empowered me to quit my job, embark on solo travel adventures, and establish my own businesses. I seized the chance to live life to the fullest.
I've applied this same principle to my dating life. While dating can be intimidating, there are moments when I wholeheartedly embrace it, revelling in the excitement of meeting new people. But there are also vulnerable moments when fear creeps in, making me question whether it’s really worth me putting myself out there again.
In those moments, I remind myself of what truly matters. I ask myself, "Is it scarier to face this fear right now, meeting someone for the first time, or to reach old age and realise I never allowed myself the chance to connect with others because I was too afraid to go on that first date?"
This perspective shift has proven remarkably effective for me. I've learned to use fear to my advantage, pushing me past my comfort zone and toward a life free from regrets. Instead of being paralysed by fear, I've embraced it as a tool to drive me toward meaningful experiences and a life well-lived.
In conclusion, if you're emerging from a challenging relationship and contemplating reentering the dating scene, remember that it's a journey, not a race. Take those baby steps and prioritise your healing and self-care. Understand that dating doesn't have to lead to a relationship; it can simply be about having fun and meeting new people. Don't rush the process; let love find you when the time is right. Someone better is out there waiting for you, but there's no need to hurry. Embrace the freedom to enjoy dating, and trust that the right connection will come along when it's meant to.
